


Having a Name for it can be Scary

by wordsarelifealways



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Discussion of mental illness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 06:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11503227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsarelifealways/pseuds/wordsarelifealways
Summary: Isak does some research on his mother's condition, but ends up learning more about himself than he expected.





	Having a Name for it can be Scary

**Author's Note:**

> anon tumblr prompt: "I headcanon isak's mother having OCD from what we've heard/seen of her and when she's finally diagnosed it takes Isak a few days to process what that means and he does a ton of research and talks to her about it and to Even to learn and figure it out and as he's searching he stumbles along other anxiety disorders and finds a lot of symptoms he has and it scares the crap out of him because his boyfriend having a MI? okay. his mom? okay. but him was a different story. could you write about that?"
> 
> Personally I think Isak's mother is schizophrenic, so that's what I wrote! it doesn't much impact the fic though haha
> 
> Discussing mental illness is hard, but the best way to talk about is to talk candidly so that's what I tried to do with this fic. No offence was meant. A lot of this was sort of based around my experience when I was first looking at diagnosis' and how I think Isak would deal with that. Hope you enjoy it!

Isak had been barely thirteen the first time he heard the word ‘schizophrenic’.  It had been a scary word; even just the sound it made in his mouth was harsh.  He realised quickly that it was also a taboo word.  His parents refused to talk about it and Isak was too young to care enough to push further than that.

After he moved out he didn’t really think of it again; too busy rebuilding his life to do much else.

The thing is: since getting with Even, Isak had slowly been rebuilding his relationship with his mother.  And part of that had been educating himself about the way her brain worked.  He had been reading all about schizophrenia and his heart had twisted painfully in his chest at the familiarity of it all.

As is often the way with the internet, one thing led to another almost seamlessly.  One web page had listed bipolar disorder as a similar condition to schizophrenia, which had resulted in a little detour in Isak’s research.  Honestly though, he tried not to read up on bipolar because he knew it made Even uncomfortable so he wasn’t on that page for long.

 It was only when he was about to exit out of that website entirely that he noticed a list on the side of the page of related disorders.  The words ‘anxiety and panic disorders’ caught his eye and he remembered reading about how anxiety could be a trigger for episodes.

And so he clicked.

At first he had been reading with his mother in mind, thinking about how his father always used to warn him not to stress her out, but then he came across something called ‘generalised anxiety disorder’.  The more he read about it the more he felt like the bottom of his stomach had fallen out; like suddenly being plummeted from the top of a rollercoaster.

 _Excessive worrying, restlessness and feeling on edge, muscle tension, headaches, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping and staying asleep, being easily startled_.

All common things in the day to day life of Isak Valtersen.

When he got to the part about the causes of GAD and saw the words ‘abnormal functioning in particular brain regions’ he slammed his laptop shut and dumped it unceremoniously onto the floor by their bed.

For possibly the first time ever, Isak was glad that Even was at work and he had the flat to himself.

He wasn’t proud of his brain’s initial reaction.  Wasn’t proud of the jolt of shock that ran through him and the immediate attempt to dismiss what he had just read.  He had come a long way from the boy who said he would prefer his life without mentally ill people, but he knew he still had a long way to go.

He was getting close with his mother again and he and Even seemed to be doing well enough managing his bipolar as a team, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that mental illness was something that happened to _other_ people.

He wasn’t crazy.

He hated that word; he hated the connotations it had and how derogatory it was.  But it was all he could think.

_I’m not crazy._

He didn’t hear voices or see things that weren’t there.  He didn’t lose touch with reality and throw things in a rage when someone tried to talk to him.  He still didn’t really understand what Even meant by the brain feeling alone and he couldn’t imagine himself ever thinking he could fly and standing spread eagle at the top of a construction site like a guy had done a few months ago.

He didn’t have a mental illness.

He just didn’t.

He wasn’t like his mother.

He had been so afraid when he was younger that he would grow up to be like her; that he wouldn’t be able to distinguish what was real from what was inside his head and that he’d lash out unexpectedly at the ones he loved.  She had been doing so well lately, but burrowed deep under his skin that fear still lurked.

He wasn’t proud of it.  In fact, it was possibly his biggest shame.

No one could help being mentally ill.  Sure as fuck no one _chose_ to be mentally ill.  It also wasn’t the end of the world; he knew logically that there were worse things in the world than to have a brain that worked differently.

But fuck if it didn’t feel like the end of the world right then.

When Even got home he found Isak wrapped tightly in their duvet even though it was still almost twenty degrees despite the late time of evening.  If that hadn’t been enough of a clue that something was up, then the vacant glaze covering Isak’s usually bright eyes was a giant red flag.

“Baby?” Even ran a comforting hand over the exposed top of Isak’s head and smiled at the way Isak burrowed deeper into the duvet in response.  “What’s up?” Even tried to coax the answer out of him, lying down next to the Isak-shaped lump in the middle of their bed.  Isak muttered something, but it was so muffled by the duvet cocoon that Even couldn’t make it out.

“I can’t hear you, Is.” He said gently, trying to lower the duvet from in front of Isak’s mouth.  Isak squirmed inside the duvet and Even could tell he was uncomfortable.

“I’m normal.” Isak’s voice was quiet, not quite as muffled, and he sounded so uncertain.

“Normal?” Even echoed.  That word always left a bad taste in his mouth.  He definitely didn’t like it coming out of _Isak’s_ mouth, especially not in that small unsure voice.

“Yes.  I’m _normal_.  I’m not- I’m not _sick_.” Isak was emphasising those words and Even felt an uncomfortable prickle across his skin.

“What is this about, Isak?” He really didn’t like where this was going.

“I was reading.” Isak mumbled.

“Okay?”

“About…what my mum has.  And then I ended up reading about something else and-” Isak broke off, struggling to find the right words, his eyebrows screwing up with frustration.  Even had a feeling he knew what Isak was trying to say though.

“Read some stuff that sounded familiar?” Even offered and Isak curled up tightly, shrinking into him under the duvet.  Even hated when Isak made himself small; it just made him want to wrap his boyfriend in their softest blanket and whisper in his ear that it would all be okay.

“Do you want to talk about it?  What you were reading about?” Even wrapped his arms around the Isak-lump as best he could.

“It’s on my laptop.” Isak muttered.

“Can I have a look?” Even didn’t want to assume.  He waited until Isak nodded minutely before leaning over and picking Isak’s laptop off the floor.

“I’m not going to be bombarded by porn, am I?” Even teased, giving the Isak-lump a playful push.

“Noooo.” Isak rolled his eyes.  Even was glad to see that he still had a little bit of humour in there, even if he was going through some inner turmoil.  He tapped Isak’s password in and the page immediately popped back up.

“Generalised anxiety disorder.” Even read the title aloud and then looked down at Isak.

Not a peep from inside the duvet.

“ _[Generalized anxiety disorder](http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/generalized-anxiety-disorder)_ _(or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated_ _[anxiety](http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/default.htm) __and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of_ _[generalized anxiety disorder](http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/ss/slideshow-general-anxiety-overview) __tend to always expect disaster and can't stop_ _[worrying](http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/how-worrying-affects-your-body)_ _about health, money, family, work, or school._ ” Even read aloud, the English words feeling funny in his mouth.

He looked away from the webpage and to the boyfriend shaped lump next to him, wincing at the miserable whimper Isak let out.

“That does sound like you.” Even agreed.  He slid the laptop back onto the floor and focused all his attention on Isak.  He forced the duvet down so he could see his boyfriend’s face.

“Having a name for it can be scary.  I remember when I first heard the word ‘bipolar’ and I hated it.  It made it too real.  Too clinical for something so emotional.” Even ran a hand down the side of Isak’s face gently.

“I was always the normal one in the family.” Isak whispered.  He looked terrified of his admission.  “And now…” He trailed off.

“Isak, there’s no such _thing_ as normal.” Even shook his head.  “And you know what: anxiety is really common in our generation.  If you do have an anxiety problem we can work through it.  Just like we work around my bipolar.”

“I know, I know.” Isak swallowed.  He was looking everywhere but at Even.

“Babe, look at me.” Even whispered, cupping the side of Isak’s face in one hand.  “I’m not judging you, okay?  I just want to make sure you’re okay.  Everything else comes later.” He promised.

“My mum’s first diagnosis was something small.” Isak’s voice was barely there.  Even had to strain to hear it.  “What if this is just the start of me turning into my mum?”

“And what if you’re just a kid who had a hard upbringing and is used to worrying about more than you should have to?” Even countered.  At that, Isak flickered his gaze to Even’s face.

He looked so heartbreakingly young.

“Is, you were forced into caring for your mum when she was sick.  You were just a kid; you shouldn’t have had to be running the household.  It’s natural that you still have those leftover habits of worrying about everything.” Even rubbed what he was 90% sure was Isak’s back comfortingly through the duvet.

“You’re not alone now though.  You don’t have to worry about dealing with everything in this household on your own; we share that stuff, okay?  It’s _our_ home, so it’s _our_ responsibility.  Not just yours.” Even said firmly.  Isak nodded.  It was just a tiny motion, but it gave Even hope that he was getting through to him.

“You’ve always been anxious, baby, and that’s normal.  Whether or not you have an anxiety _disorder_ isn’t for me to say.  If you feel like things are getting too much for you, you can always lean on me for a while.” Even whispered.  Isak was looking at him now, _finally_ , and Even was completely entranced by those beautiful hazel eyes.

“You promise?” Isak’s voice was barely more than a breath between them, but in their little world it was loud as thunder.

“I promise.” Even nodded.  They were pressed so close together in bed that Even swore he could _feel_ the tension melt out of Isak’s body.

“Was I overreacting?” Isak mumbled, burying his duvet-wrapped body tighter into Even’s embrace.

“No.” Even replied instantly.  “Mental health can be scary.  Especially when you read about it all online.  Maybe we shouldn’t Google things like that anymore?” He suggested as Isak buried his face in the crook of his neck.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Isak nodded meekly and Even pressed a fond kiss to the top of his boyfriend’s head.

“You’ll always be the most incredible boy I’ve ever met, Isak.  Mental illness wouldn’t change that.  It doesn’t change who you _are_.” Even wished someone could have told _him_ that when he had first been diagnosed, but he was glad to be able to give that to Isak.

“I know.” Isak replied softly.  He wiggled inside his duvet cocoon for a second and then suddenly Even was being enveloped in the warmth.

“Just another gay teen with anxiety.” Isak tried to joke, but Even could still see the nervousness in his eyes.

“There’s no rush to label it, baby.” Even squeezed Isak’s hand gently.  Isak reciprocated by clinging onto Even like it was the only thing tying him to this earth.

“No rush.” Isak repeated, more to himself.  “I don’t think I’m ready for that sort of label, Ev.” He swallowed.  It had taken long enough for him to cope with being gay; adding something else on top of that was going to take some time.

A lot of time, if he was honest.

“Then we won’t think about it.” Even said simply.  “We’ll take this totally chill.  Just minute by minute.” He continued, mirroring Isak’s words from so long ago.

“What will we do this minute?” Isak breathed, staring at Even with more trust than Even felt he deserved.

“This minute,” Even said slowly as he wrapped his arms around Isak and rested their foreheads together.  “we’ll just be calm.  We’ll just breathe.  Just us, here in our bed, in our flat.” Even rubbed his hand slowly up and down Isak’s back.

And that’s exactly what they did.

For just a little while, the world shrunk down to just the two of them hidden under their duvet in bed.  No labels, no long complicated scientific terms, no terrifying memories.

Nothing but Even and Isak, minute by minute.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I'm over on [tumblr](http://isaksredscarf.tumblr.com) if you wanna talk or drop a prompt!


End file.
